No mp3 today as I'm taking the eldest to Leeds Festival to see his heroes Guns 'N Roses, which of course I won't enjoy in the slightest..hem hem..
So instead I'll pay homage with a link to one of my favourite cheesy rock videos of ALL TIME.
In all seriousness I love this video so much, all 9 minutes of it and you have to really watch it all a few times to appreciate each and every nuance. Every viewing brings something new to the experience. Beneath the video are my revision notes that will help you pass your GCSE in Hair Metal Video..
00:01 So here we have Axl going to bed (alone) because he's got a headache. Stubs out his fag & chugs a couple of nurofen. Shh! Axl tired!
00:20 Axl begins to dream that he is doing a special gig with an orchestra. Of course this would never happen because he's not a pussy.
00:40 Or is he REALLY alone in a tiny empty wooden church with just a baby grand piano for company? Lay off the cheese before bed Axl!
01:00 Oh no! The tiny wooden church has disintegrated!
01:20 Ooh dear it IS a bad dream. Even jesus is crying..Axl tosses anxiously
01:40 Now it's a proper big church and is that Axl's bride or a slutty kissogram walking down the aisle?
02:20 Axl is dreaming about marrying a woman a good foot taller than him
02:40 Now they're all smoking tabs in the backroom of The Rainbow. That would be totally illegal today of course!
02:50 Axl has a little snog
03:05 Meanwhile back in the big church..oh shit! Slash has only gone and lost the ring!
03:10 Fear not - Duff McKagan has a spare one on his be-gloved left pinky. Phew!
03:25 Axl performs a wedding faux-pas by over-shadowing the bride's ring with his own enormous and flamboyant eagle claw ring. Oops!
03:30 "You may kiss the bride" Axl has a MASSIVE snog. I found it more than a little innapproriate as you can clearly see him aggressively tongueing her. Please..there are children watching!
03:40 Now his bit is done Slash decides he's had enough and stomps off down the aisle in a moody sulk
04:00 But suddenly 3 absolute miracles happen! Slash loses his hat, Slash gains a guitar and the big church shrinks to the size of a tiny shed in the middle of the desert!
04:05 Oh hang on miracle #4 Slash has also lost his shirt!
04:10 Miracle #5 Slash is now smoking a cigarette that not only appeared from nowhere but how did he light it in that wind without burning his hair?
04:25 Massively emotional guitar solo. But where is your amp Slash? No amps in the desert Slash!
05:00 The solo is still going on and no one has dared tell Slash he's not plugged in yet
05:05 Meanwhile back at the real church, Axl and his slutty bride get pelted with confetti. They like it!
05:30 Slash is STILL going
05:40 Is that Axl we see in the darkness leaving a gun shop? What have you got planned Axl you naughty boy!
06:00 Here we are now at the reception and Mr & Mrs Axl have changed. She now looks like she's going to a funeral. Axl looks like..actually fuck knows what Axl thinks he looks like. A flouncy bluecoat at Butlins maybe?
06:10 They cut the cake and Axl makes her lick the knife. Lick it! Health and Safty fail.
06:20 The lads have a toast to Axl and his new wife. Slash looks a bit miffed. He's still not forgotten about the futile solo in the desert incident.
06:45 Everyone's having a lovely time (excpet Slash) but..bloody typical - it's started raining! Like in that song November Rain geddit? Who gets married in November? It always rains in November. Quick hide under the tables.
07:00 My 100% favourite bit of the whole video - for absolutely NO REASON Izzy Stradlin jumps into the wedding cake.
07:10 What now Axl's wife is DEAD? Nooooo!
07:15 Slash checks that he's definitely plugged in this time and decides to show Axl whose boss by playing the next solo stood on top of Axl's grand piano.
07:20 Hmm - suspiciously less people at Mrs Axl's funeral than were at her wedding. Axl is probably meant to look like he's crying but he just looks like he's got a sweaty face.
07:22 Close-up of the coffin and she is half-obscured by a mirror - suggesting something particularly unpleasant must have happened to the left side of her head. What did you do to her Axl you monster!
07:50 Slash is still stood on that piano
08:10 Sombre burial sequence
08:22 Oh bloody bollocks! It's only started raining AGAIN. People have umbrellas this time.
08:30 I love this bit - Axl is stroking his piano to an orgasmic frenzy. Two-handed technique..nice
08:35 Someone has clearly just said "sod this..pub anyone?"
08:40 Axl wakes from his dream (this time he really is sweaty) as his wife throws the bouquet. The petals turn from white to red and it lands on her coffin
09:00 The cold november rain washes the red dye from the petals and Axl cries. They weren't even real red flowers!
09:05 The end. What can it all mean?
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To get slightly back on topic after this little diversion, next week will be officially Peel Session week, where I'll bring you seven of my favourite (unreleased) John Peel Sessions. Watch this space
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